If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
