I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
