I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I can't put those talents on a resume
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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