I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
