I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
