you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
