not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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