Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
