I just threw up on my dentist
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
