by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
