I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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