There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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