im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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