Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
