Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
