If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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