i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
