I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
