I met the friendliest cop last night
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
