but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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