you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
