no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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