I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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