When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
