That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
