my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
