Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
