I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
