I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
