is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
