Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?