You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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