The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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