I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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