I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We are two peas in an std pod
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
