Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
