just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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