You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
