the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
