my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
