Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
