How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
