hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
