end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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