A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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