Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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