I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
