with your own penis?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
