im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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