Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
