Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
