sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Randomize
