she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
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