Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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