saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Randomize
