I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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