They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
